All Out Of Fake Smiles.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. I never believed it. I doubt I ever will.

I've worked in Customer Service for the since I was 16 years old. I started off at Express in the mall. It was fun. Back when I actually enjoyed talking to and greeting strangers. Worked there for 4 years. Next I went on to a high end sunglass boutique. Same job, just a bit more challenging. Convincing someone to buy $350 glasses wasn't always easy. Then I crossed over to a more serious job. Working at a cell phone company. A real full time job. With benefits and vacation time. My job was to smile at strangers, and help them, no matter how nasty and rude they are. No matter if they broke their own cell phone and pitched it at my face. No matter if they didn't pay their own bill but couldn't understand why they weren't getting service. I had to smile and be polite. Just like my adult life. I've learned a lot in working in customer service. A lot about people. A lot about myself. A lot about being an adult. But what I've mastered, is the fake customer service smile.

I said my New Years resolution would be to stop worrying about why people choose to do the things they do. I've always had a thing for understanding people's actions towards other people. I've always been like that. I sit back, and I observe. The problem was, that when I would watch people do things to only heighten the problem, not resolve it, I would get frustrated. So it was only healthy for my sanity that I stopped. It was a challenge. But I've been doing it. And my life has been a lot less stressful. I'm less disappointed in people. Yet, it hasn't made me a nicer person. That was the ultimate goal here. If i stopped trying to understand why people do the things they do, I would stop being disappointed in them. Therefor it would kind of restore my faith in people. So many people have disappointed me in my life, I had run out of smiles. This was an attempt to start smiling again.

Well I had started smiling again. After a period in my life I like to refer to as my quarter life crisis (you can read about it HERE) I tried to approach life differently. I set my New Years Resolution and said i would stick with it. I wanted to live a healthier, happier life. That meant surrounding myself with people who didn't make me want to slit my wrists, or people who had poor intentions for me. I started working out more, because to be mentally healthy and happy, you needed to be physically healthy and happy with your body. And... I had just gotten to fat in my depression. For the most part. It worked. I never set expectations for people anymore. I forced a smile on my face no matter how bad the day was. I smiled.

This year, my life has kind of been "Ok" so far. But I've found that not worrying about why people do the things that they do, doesn't excuse the fact that I still see that most people are sel-fish. Now the only difference is, I choose not to care. It kind of spares my feelings in a sense, but seeing how i don't live in this world alone, it still effects my friends and family. I wish we could all not care. But that would just be to easy.

I've watched my best friend in the whole world go through 2 tumultuous relationships. Relationships that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Back to back. When we met 4 years ago, she was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. She's changed so much. She told me the other day that she's not making any new friends. Granted, I had decided that for myself a long time ago, she was different. She kind of had a light that made people gravitate towards her. She always smiled at people. She always spoke to people. But for some reason every person she placed in her life that she allowed herself to love tried to break her spirit. Tried to dim her light. Even her friendships. I watched her loose a friend behind such trivial things. Things that we're happening to me also, but because I had decided I didn't care anymore, I didn't complain. But she was hurt. She cried alot. I always listened. And my response was always the same

"People will be people. And most people, are shit."

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt. She never does anymore. She's sees everything in black and white now. No grey areas. While I'm telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people, she's only sees the bad now. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I'm taking her light. I can tell, she's tired of smiling to.

Someone else close to me lost a friend that they've had for a while. Behind hear say. Hear say! Like we're in fucking high school. I try my best to talk them through it. Because I care for them it's hard not to feel their pain. I've watched them give their all to people, to receive nothing in return. They're hurting to. While counseling them through it they made me realize something. They told me:

"Your not nicer now because you see the light in people, your nicer because you've given up on people. You smile at people not because you want to, but because you think your expected to."

It made perfect sense. All this time I've been telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people by over looking the fucked up things they do, when actually, I've completely given up on people all together. My smiles are as fake in my adult life, as they are at work.

Yesterday I helped an old couple buy new cell phones. They hadn't gotten new phones in 5 years. I did everything they asked me to do. Gave them new sim cards, which deactivated their old sim cards, making them completely useless. Got all their contacts from their old phones to their new ones, gave them a whole 1 hour tutorial on how to use their phones. Out of the kindness of my fake heart I put my work cell phone number their phone and assured them to call me if they had any problems. I was proud of myself for being so patient with them. My nerves usually get bad after being with a customer for 15 minutes, but I smiled at them the whole hour and 30 minutes i was with them. Later that day, they called my cell phone 4 times. Left 4 messages. All because they wanted their 2 deactivated sim cards. After I explained to them the deactivated sim cards were completely useless they said understood. They called me again at 6am the next morning. For the same thing. I let them come back and get their sim cards that day. I didn't smile not one time.

I've run out of fake smiles. I'm tired. My jaws hurt. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy. I've run out of it in my social life, as well as at work. I tell myself I'm being nice. I tell myself to smile. But my customer feed back scores at work have consistently sat at 60 out of 100 for the last 2 months. I'm the lowest in the store. My fake smiles aren't working anymore. I don't even have the energy to care.

With the semi-drama surrounding my friend's social life, I don't have the energy to fake smile anymore either. I try to stay neutral, but your always guilty by association. So I would give my best fake smile, to show "Hey I'm neutral." only to have a half ass smile returned. I'm all out of them. Now all they'll get is a frown and a wave. And that's on a good day.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. But I think it takes more energy to smile when you don't have a reason to.

I'm Gonna Be An Uncle!

Ya know, I didn't always like Beyonce.

Back when Destiny's Child 1st came out I was actually a fan of the little short one with the red hair. I can't remember her name. I'm sure you can't either. I liked the group. I thought they were all cool in they're own way. I've always had a thing for girl groups. TLC's Fan Mail was the 1st album I've ever purchased with my own money. From 3LW, Total, 702, and even the Spice Girls. I liked them all. Except Cherish. Gross.

Anyway, when the 2 girls got booted out of the group i immediately blamed Beyonce. Her father was the manager. She was clearly the "leader" of the group. And in interviews, she was very um...not friendly. She interrupted the other girls when they spoke, rolled her eyes way to often, and was always smacking on some gum like it was her last meal. We know you was eating girl. Look at that Bootylicious video. You was WELL FED.

Then the Crazy In Love video came out. I was like..."Hmm...i can dig this." I started to feel her. I loved her and Jay-Z's version of Bonnie and Clyde. She looked amazing in the video. Then that Pepsi commercial with her little shorts. Ok Bey...i see you. When "Dangerously In Love" dropped I became a FAN. She had so many songs that spoke to me. I still listen to "Me Myself and I" every other day. I went and saw her, Missy, and Alicia Keys on they're Women's Tour and everything. I liked her.

I hated her 2nd album. I know, I'm probably the only person in the world who didn't like Bday. I didn't care for many of the videos either. It just didn't move me much. The pop Beyonce didn't really do anything for me. I mean NOTHING.

Then one Essence night I happened to go, and Beyonce happened to be there. The Beyonce Experience. That night changed everything.

Now let me say this. I've never been a Stan for anyone. Ever. I've always liked certain artist alot, but I've never felt like "Oh Myy God when i see them I'm going to cry." I was a huge Aaliyah fan, and i still remember the day she died like it was yesterday, but even then i didn't shed tears.

When Beyonce stepped onto that stage glistening, hair bigger then Gabby Sidibe's arms, thighs like a thorough breed Clydesdale, with abs of a track star, belting out Crazy In Love singing and dancing at the same time...such a rush came over my body i thought i was going to literally..faint. I'd never in my life....sigh.... you get my point.

That was the night I went from FAN..to full blown gun slinging, will CUSS you out and fight you like I haven't know you for years STAN.

Needless to say, since I follow Beyonce's every move, I announced last week on Twitter that she was pregnant, and i was just waiting for the announcement to be mad. She on the night of the MTV awards when she threw that mic down, opened up her Dolce and Gabana blazer, and proudly revealed her bun in the oven (and yes I cried a little) , everyone wanted to know HOW I knew. Well here is how...

1. On July 17th, Beyonce got sick and couldn't finish her ITV show. She got sick. Everybody knows Beyonce is barely human, and never gets sick.

2. She's been clearly been distracted this go around. Ever since "4" dropped Beyonce has been kind of "distracted". I'm sure part is due to her the Manager issues, but I knew it was deeper.

3. The few times she has sang live she's been looking a tad bit exhausted. When she was on the Jimmy Fallon show a few weeks ago, exhausting (Beyonce doesn't get tired) and..a slight buldge in her tight white dress.


4. The rush of the tapping of 4 videos. While everyone thought she was doing this for a video Anthology, I didn't think so. You can't dance to many of the songs on this album so why do a video Anthology? She was doing it because she's going to be out of commision for a while and needs to still some kind of way, promote her album and singles that she will drop over the next 9 months.

5. At the Intimate 4 Intimate Nights at Roseland, she barely danced. She only danced to Single Ladies (which at this point she could do in her sleep), End of Time & Run The World. The fact that no new choreography was done for Countdown was clearly a red flag. And...she was guarding her belly the entire time.

6. The thing that confirmed ANY suspicion I had was when she announced that she was indeed participating in the Tribute to Michael Jackson which will happen shortly. Except she would be there via satellite. Say what? Because you will be where Ms Girl? Last time I checked your calendar (which is daily) you didn't have anything lined up to prevent you from physically being there. Oh yea, except for a baby that you haven't announced yet. I see right through you Honey Bee. Big weave n all.

So...I'm gonna be an Uncle! Congrats Beyonce!

The Holy Spear-IT

I consider me and my friends very open minded when it comes to music. We like all different genres of music and artist. With the exception of country. So any concert that will roll through New Orleans, even if we're not particularly a fan, we'll go. Just to get the whole "experience". I feel like a REALLY good performer can make just about anyone a fan. So we'll give just about anyone a try.

When word that Britney Spear's tour, The Femme Fatale, was coming to town, i wasn't even the least bit excited. I'm a fan of Britney Spears. But what I'm not a fan of is the new Granny Spears. After seeing her lack luster "Hold it against me" video, the lifeless interviews, and her being out danced by such a skilled dancer as Rihanna at the Billboard Awards, i was through. I had lost all hope in her. She was gone, and never coming back. I had made the mistake of going to see someone live who i KNEW wasn't a good performer, but hoped she'd be better in person. She had black hair then, now she has red. We won't say any names.

Then i was informed that Nicki Minaj would be there. That's all i had to hear. You know i loves me some Onika.

So after cheating and watching some you tube clips of the tour i did begin to grow some excite. Was Britney actually moving? It seemed like it. But i still wasn't COMPLETELY sold. I just knew that i was going to be put to sleep by the new Britney Zolciak. It would be to good to be true.

Well the night of the concert rolled around. We stopped for drinks first. My roommate who thinks he knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING insisted that since the concert started at 7pm and had 2 opening acts, Nicki wouldn't hit the stage till 9pm, and Granny wouldn't limp on stage till 1o pm. But since he DOESN'T know ANYTHING about ANYTHING, we we're still sitting at the bar when i received the dreaded text message: NICKI MINAJ IS ON STAGE

Needless to say we missed most of Nicki's performance. I will livid. I mean EVIL. I wanted to have a full on temper tantrum. I had missed the ONLY person i had came to see. What the shit was i still here for? So i sat there pissed. Fumming.

Finally, the moment everyone else had been waiting for. Lights. Camera. Lots of set props. ACTION. Britney Spears.

5 minutes in, i already knew....there was only 1 way to describe this concert....

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY MIND FUCKING AMAZING!!!

I was astounded. For 1, Britney looked great. Her body was on point. Her weave was actually sewn in right. She looked awake AND ALERT! Secondly, she was dancing for her dear life. I mean DANCING. I was in SHOCK and disbelief! She worked the crowd. She worked the stage. she climbed up poles. On her performance of UpNDown she danced in a cage like a stripper. I loved every second of it. She did some of her greatest pop songs, and some of her new ones. Did i mention that her weave actually looked decent? She completed slaughtered the S&M remix. I don't know why she didn't do that at the Billboard Awards.

Now i will admit, she isn't the dancer she once was. When she did do the full out 8 count to Slave For you, I could see the difference. But with the stage props, the EXCELLENT back up dancers, and everything around her working in her favor, it would be very hard to notice any flaw in the concert. She had so many outfit changes I lost count. Which was awesome. She even pulled a guy on stage, hand cuffed him to a chair, and sat on his head. It was great. I had the time of my life.

All and all, I stand completely corrected. I don't like to admit when I'm wrong, and normally, i never am. This time, i was completely wrong. Britney Spears was nothing short of epic. I'm still thinking about it a whole week later, and randomly downloading old music from her. If The Femme Fatale is coming to your state, take the word of a very cynical critic, it's well worth it.

Thoughts of a hopeless Romantic..

"Love is everything it’s cracked up to be … It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for."

-Erica Long

“No matter how many times my heart has been broken, my feelings crushed, or the tears I’ve shed, I’ll never regret falling in love. I feel so blessed to have experienced something so beautiful in such a monumental way. It’s changed my life. It molded me. It grew me up. It shaped me into the person I’m supposed to be. I’ll never give up on it. I’ll always believe in the power of love.”

You Can't Sit With Us.

Ya know, they say you never really leave high school. It's true.

As functioning adults i think it is pretty much a daily part of life to deal with people who you really don't "see it for". You don't like them. Or like a friend of mine sometimes says "I don't USE her." Not everyone is meant to be friends. People have different personalities, different upbringings, and some people are just plain crazy. But because we must act as adults, who are NOT in high school anymore, we have to work/ socialize with people who we simply don't like. I don't see it for MANY people who I'm forced to socialize with on the weekends. Just like I'm sure some of them may not see it for me. Which is completely fine. I'm not here for your approval. Just like your not here for mine. That doesn't mean we can't sit down at the same table and be civil. We don't need each others numbers. We don't have to hang out alone. We may not even hang out again! But we can be cordial. We are human beings.

It seems that the difficulties arise when its the friends who have stopped being friends. Now, in high school, we all know how this would have went. The most powerful (and good looking) person of the clique was who owned your loyalty. If the Regina didn't see it for you, well then the rest of us don't either. Period. You can't sit with us. Have a great day. And if your lucky, we WON'T make your life a living hell. Go find some new (lame and ugly) friends. Problem solved.

In the adult world it doesn't really go like that. I personally, use the Art of Effective Shade Throwing. A few weeks ago, I was forced to sit at a bar for 3 hours with 1 of the only 3 people in the whole world, who I HATE with a burning fiery passion. The entire time i wanted to jump across the table and slap all the saliva out of his mouth. But i didn't. Because I'm an adult, and "You can't just be fighting in the streets like a wild animal!" like my mother told me after a brawl I had 2 years ago at a Super Bowl party. Besides, who really wants to be the asshole who has a problem with EVERYONE. No one wants to be around that kind of person. Anyhow, It was 4 of us, including him at the bar. We talked around each other the entire night. We all engaged in conversation. I didn't roll my eyes or make any sly remarks. I never looked him directly in his face. I never spoke directly to him, nor did he dare speak directly to me. It went fine. Of course anytime he did in fact try to ask me a question directly i answered it, but only in a manner in which it was directed towards the whole group. And I still did NOT make eye contact with him.

When we left my friend said "I thought you and _____ didn't like each other?" and i said "Its whatever, we just don't speak." That's commonly the best response to give when regarding to an ex-friend. Anything more then that will make you look bitter, and probably start some kind of mess. People don't need details. Its none of your business. Save the gossip and innuendo for your real friends.

The next day, the 1 guy of the 3 people in the WHOLE world who i HATE with a fiery passion, who i had sat at the bar with.... sent me a Facebook friend request. I declined. You still can't sit with us.

Moral of the story is, we aren't here to "beef" with people. That's to time consuming, and its rather juvenile. The only person who your loyalty should be to is your REAL friends. (If you don't have one of those at this age then your probably crazy. get help.) We're grown. Contrary to popular belief, we can all get along. Not everyone has to be friends, or even associates, but there is no reason why 2 adults should dislike each other so much that they can't be around each other in a social setting. That's just part of the life of a grown up. Your going to have bosses you don't like, co-workers you can't stand, and friends who have friends who are just complete train wrecks. Your going to have to deal with that. There's no need to be rude. There's no need to be ugly. We can co-exist, and still hate each other. Besides, when it really gets rough, just take to twitter, subtweet your ass off, wait for the hit dog to holler, and once they do (and trust me they will) then...don't respond. Your point has been made, and received. Works like a charm. And a sure way to put a smile on your face.

Again, The Art of Effective Shade Throwing.

"Inspired" VS "COPIED"

Sunday on the Billboard Music Awards, sometime after a sleeping Britney Spears and a stiff Rihanna took the stage, Beyonce delivered one of the best performances of her career. I won't go into detail. You can view the amazing-ness above. Well not even 24 hours later this video hit the net.



Of course the Beyonce Stans launched a full attack on any blogger who dared post the video. At first i joined suite, but then i after reading an article posted on yahoo (HERE) about the amazing performance i kind of changed my mind. In the article Beyonce's team openly admits that they did in fact draw "inspiration" from the Italian singer, Lorella Cucarrini's performance, and sought out the same graphic designer who did it. Just like she drew "inspiration" from Chicago and added The Cell Block Tango to one of her tours. Just like she drew "inspiration" from a you tube video for her Single Ladies video. Beyonce is so heavily inspired that it makes me actually sit down and question The Queen. What is the difference between "inspiration" and just a down right dirty ol copy cat.

I know all artist draw inspiration from each other. Its no mystery that Lady Gaga is heavily inspired by Madonna. Beyonce's performance style is heavily inspired by Tina Turner. Ciara has mentioned time and time again shes inspired by Janet Jackson. Nicki Minaj....we won't even go there. So whats the difference between being inspired by someone, and trying to BE someone. I remember when Rihanna dyed her hair black and cut it all off, Kelis fans (whoever they may be) had an absolutely conniption fit, like Kelis is the only person allowed to cut her hair. When Rihanna found a new and improved stylist, Kelis claimed to have done that 1st to. The 1st to find a new stylist? I guess girl.

In my opinion, everyone is inspired by something. But you must put your own twist to it, to make it a little bit more original. Beyonce made the Single Ladies video her own. Yes she did see three old white women doing a full out dance routine filmed in 1800 BC. But she added many of her own elements to the video that kind of made it HERS. The intricate choreography. The black and white aspect. The hair style. The matching leotards. I know it doesn't seem like much, but think back to Halloween 2009 when you saw all the fat girls in the leotards...who were they trying to be? You get my point? She made it her own. I can respect that.

We all know anything you can do, Beyonce can do better. That's a given. But i felt like the video above did make me stop and think. Sometimes, i go back and forth. Was it "inspiration" or was it "copying". The graphics used we not left up to her, the designer decided on those. So the similarities as far as that goes, the designer takes full responsibility for. But i honestly feel because Beyonce is placed on a pedestal in the industry, and because seriously ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, SHE CAN DO BETTER, we give her a pass sometimes. And i believe we do that because we believe it will t take away from her greatness as an artist. She's still the greatest performer alive, and definitely one of the most talented women in the industry. But there is a very thin line between inspiration and copying, and Beyonce is dancing on it a little to often (in 6 inch heels and singing at the same time). At the end of the day it just gives the haters a reason to question her greatness.

I firmly believe there is nothing new under the sun. Everything has been done before. So the difference between reinventing something and making it your own vs copying, i guess it's up to the viewer. Many people will argue me down about the Single Ladies video that it was in fact a carbon copy. I don't think so, but you may. So i guess it's left up to the viewer. Its all opinion. Beyonce never seems phased. Neither does Rihanna. Neither does Lady Gaga. Even the great Michael Jackson has been accused of being "overly inspired" by someone. Hell, who knew he didn't invent the moon walk?

Why Stopped Going To Church.

Its only natural that as you get older you begin to question some things that you were taught growing up. One of the best things about adult hood is that you get to make your own decisions, and choose what and what not you want to believe in. And you don't have to answer to anybody.

I was raised in a very religious home. I went to a baptist church uptown EVERY Sunday, rain or shine, sick or well. My mother was (and still is) the Minister of Music. Up at 8 am for Sunday School, till the service started at 11:30. It ended somewhere between 1 and 2:30 pm. Then I would have to go around and kiss all my "Aunts" like i didn't see them last Sunday, socialize, and smile. You know how it goes, it's an all day event.

I always questioned the little things, that to me, never made any sense or could be applied to things of this time period. Like sex before marriage :What if you never get married? Are you not to have sex? Divorce: I mean seriously, shit happens. What if you marry Ike Turner? But the straw that broke the camels back had to be the views on homosexuality.

I know the Bible is here to show us how to live a good and straight forward life in the eyes of God. Now i consider myself a rather logical person. I'm always down to hear the other person's point of views. I like things that make me question my own thoughts and beliefs. So i went to my Pastor about this issue about 5 or 6 years ago.

"Why are homosexuals going to hell?"

"It's not of God." My pastor responded. "God mad man to lie with a woman. Its a sin"

"So how do they get to heaven?"

"They must repent son. They must leave that blasphemous lifestyle alone and find Jesus. Repent and be baptized."

"But...if they didn't CHOOSE this lifestyle, how are they to leave it alone?"

"God doesn't make mistakes. Prayer and guidance can deliver anyone from a homosexual demon."

"But why is it a sin? Its not hurting anyone?"

"Its not of God. Its not how God intended man to live."

The conversation didn't really phase me. Every answer was pretty much what i figured it would be. Prayer. God. The usual. The bible speaks against Lying. Cheating. Killing. Stealing. And homosexuality. I can understand why lying, cheating, killing, and stealing are considered a SIN. To do any of them, would involve hurting someone else. They all require malicious and devious acts. Being gay doesn't require any. So why being gay a sin? Because the bible says so. And on top it being a SIN, it's not a choice. You choose to lie. You choose to cheat. You choose to kill. You choose to steal. You don't choose what your attracted to. You don't choose who you love. I'm sure if it was a choice, MANY would take the easier route, and choose to be straight. Life is hard enough. I don't know anybody who would choose to be gay. Who would choose to be judged and ridiculed, looked at funny, and constantly reminded that they are going to hell.

So after a few debates with my pastor, WE came to the conclusion that the only way a gay person is making it to God's Big House in the Sky is by simply "choosing" not to live the "gay" lifestyle. To live your life, alone, unhappy, and praying that one day, you will miraculously find the opposite sex attractive. There is NO other way. God does NOT allow gay people in heaven. PERIOD. While the girl who had her baby out of wed lock, says sorry Jesus, gets some holy water sprinkled on her head, and she's all in. Makes perfect sense.

I'm 26 years old. I know i have a lot more living to do. But i know this for sure: Your given one life. Just one. And you have to live it the best way you know how. Life is to short to being trying to fix something that was never broken. And I'm done trying to make sense of things that never made sense in the beginning. The Bible is a book of morals, but at the end of the day, morals are the same as opinions. You can't make me agree with your morals, just like i can't make you agree with mine. As long as your not harming anyone, your fine by me. Unfortunately, the Bible doesn't agree. And that's perfectly fine.

I had a friend who was atheist. He'll argue you down with scientific facts that God isn't real. I'm not here to try to convince you he's right. Nor do i agree with him. I believe in God. And i have my own personal relationship with him. But i also believe that the concept of "religion" is man made, and was made in order to instill morals in us human beings. I can't say where the world would be if the Bible never existed, but i can guess it would be a pretty hectic place. Just like it is now. Humans are not animals. We don't kill to survive or eat. So i can't imagine how much different it would be.

I have a gay friend who goes to church faithfully. Every Sunday (and Wednesday for Bible Study). He's even attempted to "be straight" in order to please Jesus. Granted, i don't judge people for their personal decisions, i can't help but to feel sorry for them. Children are killing themselves because the Bible says they are going to hell for something they have no control over. Because the world won't accept them for reasons that can't be explained aside from "Because its not of God." These people, with the same kind of human blood coursing through there veins, aren't allowed to marry who they love, like some kind of mutant, ALL because America believes in this book of morals that speaks against their life style. With no reason to support it. Meanwhile we have reality shows where people get married just to be on television and a check. Drunk people are getting married for fun in Vegas at the little chapel down the street.

Like I said before, I consider myself a very logical person. I do try my very hardest to see the other side of every argument. But you Christians really have me stumped on this. Especially with the ones with the broken hymen or 2 year old child...but no wedding ring. So you can keep your Bible. And your morals. And your Preacher in his big body Benz, telling people how to live their life. Until the Bible receives an update, you can have your religion to. I'll fend for myself. That's why i stopped going to church.