All Out Of Fake Smiles.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. I never believed it. I doubt I ever will.

I've worked in Customer Service for the since I was 16 years old. I started off at Express in the mall. It was fun. Back when I actually enjoyed talking to and greeting strangers. Worked there for 4 years. Next I went on to a high end sunglass boutique. Same job, just a bit more challenging. Convincing someone to buy $350 glasses wasn't always easy. Then I crossed over to a more serious job. Working at a cell phone company. A real full time job. With benefits and vacation time. My job was to smile at strangers, and help them, no matter how nasty and rude they are. No matter if they broke their own cell phone and pitched it at my face. No matter if they didn't pay their own bill but couldn't understand why they weren't getting service. I had to smile and be polite. Just like my adult life. I've learned a lot in working in customer service. A lot about people. A lot about myself. A lot about being an adult. But what I've mastered, is the fake customer service smile.

I said my New Years resolution would be to stop worrying about why people choose to do the things they do. I've always had a thing for understanding people's actions towards other people. I've always been like that. I sit back, and I observe. The problem was, that when I would watch people do things to only heighten the problem, not resolve it, I would get frustrated. So it was only healthy for my sanity that I stopped. It was a challenge. But I've been doing it. And my life has been a lot less stressful. I'm less disappointed in people. Yet, it hasn't made me a nicer person. That was the ultimate goal here. If i stopped trying to understand why people do the things they do, I would stop being disappointed in them. Therefor it would kind of restore my faith in people. So many people have disappointed me in my life, I had run out of smiles. This was an attempt to start smiling again.

Well I had started smiling again. After a period in my life I like to refer to as my quarter life crisis (you can read about it HERE) I tried to approach life differently. I set my New Years Resolution and said i would stick with it. I wanted to live a healthier, happier life. That meant surrounding myself with people who didn't make me want to slit my wrists, or people who had poor intentions for me. I started working out more, because to be mentally healthy and happy, you needed to be physically healthy and happy with your body. And... I had just gotten to fat in my depression. For the most part. It worked. I never set expectations for people anymore. I forced a smile on my face no matter how bad the day was. I smiled.

This year, my life has kind of been "Ok" so far. But I've found that not worrying about why people do the things that they do, doesn't excuse the fact that I still see that most people are sel-fish. Now the only difference is, I choose not to care. It kind of spares my feelings in a sense, but seeing how i don't live in this world alone, it still effects my friends and family. I wish we could all not care. But that would just be to easy.

I've watched my best friend in the whole world go through 2 tumultuous relationships. Relationships that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Back to back. When we met 4 years ago, she was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. She's changed so much. She told me the other day that she's not making any new friends. Granted, I had decided that for myself a long time ago, she was different. She kind of had a light that made people gravitate towards her. She always smiled at people. She always spoke to people. But for some reason every person she placed in her life that she allowed herself to love tried to break her spirit. Tried to dim her light. Even her friendships. I watched her loose a friend behind such trivial things. Things that we're happening to me also, but because I had decided I didn't care anymore, I didn't complain. But she was hurt. She cried alot. I always listened. And my response was always the same

"People will be people. And most people, are shit."

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt. She never does anymore. She's sees everything in black and white now. No grey areas. While I'm telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people, she's only sees the bad now. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I'm taking her light. I can tell, she's tired of smiling to.

Someone else close to me lost a friend that they've had for a while. Behind hear say. Hear say! Like we're in fucking high school. I try my best to talk them through it. Because I care for them it's hard not to feel their pain. I've watched them give their all to people, to receive nothing in return. They're hurting to. While counseling them through it they made me realize something. They told me:

"Your not nicer now because you see the light in people, your nicer because you've given up on people. You smile at people not because you want to, but because you think your expected to."

It made perfect sense. All this time I've been telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people by over looking the fucked up things they do, when actually, I've completely given up on people all together. My smiles are as fake in my adult life, as they are at work.

Yesterday I helped an old couple buy new cell phones. They hadn't gotten new phones in 5 years. I did everything they asked me to do. Gave them new sim cards, which deactivated their old sim cards, making them completely useless. Got all their contacts from their old phones to their new ones, gave them a whole 1 hour tutorial on how to use their phones. Out of the kindness of my fake heart I put my work cell phone number their phone and assured them to call me if they had any problems. I was proud of myself for being so patient with them. My nerves usually get bad after being with a customer for 15 minutes, but I smiled at them the whole hour and 30 minutes i was with them. Later that day, they called my cell phone 4 times. Left 4 messages. All because they wanted their 2 deactivated sim cards. After I explained to them the deactivated sim cards were completely useless they said understood. They called me again at 6am the next morning. For the same thing. I let them come back and get their sim cards that day. I didn't smile not one time.

I've run out of fake smiles. I'm tired. My jaws hurt. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy. I've run out of it in my social life, as well as at work. I tell myself I'm being nice. I tell myself to smile. But my customer feed back scores at work have consistently sat at 60 out of 100 for the last 2 months. I'm the lowest in the store. My fake smiles aren't working anymore. I don't even have the energy to care.

With the semi-drama surrounding my friend's social life, I don't have the energy to fake smile anymore either. I try to stay neutral, but your always guilty by association. So I would give my best fake smile, to show "Hey I'm neutral." only to have a half ass smile returned. I'm all out of them. Now all they'll get is a frown and a wave. And that's on a good day.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. But I think it takes more energy to smile when you don't have a reason to.