Assholes Never Prosper.

      The first asshole I ever met in my life was a woman named Francis. Francis Stroughter. She was absolutely wretched. Just nasty, for no reason at all. She was my grandmother. According to her brother, she was never a personable woman. Then when she married my grandfather upon graduating from college...well...it was all down hill from there. My grandfather was a wealthy man. And like most wealthy men, he had a rather "wealthy" appetite for women. She was a teacher, at first. With her anger and bitterness growing due to my grandfather's actions, she eventually quit. She'd run out of couth, and being at a school everyday required just that. She became a stay at home wife. She collected movies, sowed quilts, and shopped religiously. I remember exploring their huge mansion and venturing into her walk in closet where she housed her collection of Gucci bags. The only person she was ever nice to was me, and sometimes my father. She didn't fancy the company of women. She didn't care for my mother. Didn't even attend my parent's wedding. She didn't care for my little sister either. I remember my mother actually having to make my father reprimand my grandmother because her favoritism was so blatant. She would buy me big grandiose birthday gifts. She give my sister small cards.And that's if she felt like doing that. As long as I could remember she was just not a friendly woman. She was always angry. Always bitter. Filled with resentment. She never made excuses for it. She knew how she was, and didn't care that people didn't care for her. She would rather not be bothered anyway. She had one friend. A woman I still to this day, have never met because she never visited.
 

The Broken Hearts Club.

I remember when I was young, I used to listen to these Whitney Houston songs about love and think "Wow, i can't wait to experience this feeling." She always sang with such passion. Her voice was so powerful. Back then i thought it was love that made her sing like that. I didn't know it was the fact that she had 3 lungs. Be careful what you wish for.

 

What your Pastor and Kim Kardashian have in common.

            If you were raised anything like myself, then I’m sure you were introduced to The Church, and The Bible, at a very young age. At The Church we learned about all those great lessons The Bible taught us: Don’t kill, steal, gamble, engage in premarital sex, you BET NOT be a homosexual, and most importantly, pay your tithes (10% of your income, but usually more depending on how many offerings your church has). If you commit any of these very severe sins (some worst then others, apparently) you go to hell. What you have to do next is use your get out of jail free card also known as repent, and ask for forgiveness. God will forgive you, because he’s a loving God, and you’re allowed back into the pearly gates of Heaven. Easy right? Unless you do it again. And you WILL do it again (because you’re human). This is where the endless cycle begins. You go to church, you pay your tithes, and praise God because he has been so good to you, and repent for being human. Rinse and Repeat. The teacher of all these great lessons is The Pastor. A man ordained by God himself. He’s also the man that reaps the benefits of your tithes. He’s the go to guy when things get rough and you need guidance. Not to be confused with a professional counselor or life coach. He makes more money than them. The better the preacher, the larger the congregation. The larger the congregation, the larger the Church. The larger the church, the more offerings you have. The more offerings you have, the more lavish that man ordained by God lives. And not just on Sundays.

            Yet, for some reason, folks have a problem with Pastors that live these fabulous lives. For one, they were ordained by God. So if you have a problem with that you need to take that up with Jesus. Secondly, they didn’t make this money themselves. The congregation GIVES him the money. So what is this Pastor to do with all this money after he’s already supplied you with the huge mega church, the church gym, the church swimming pool, the church day car center, the church bus, the STAFF, and the private jet that he needs to fly all over the world to preach the word to all the other lost souls? Is he not supposed to enjoy your pay check? Again, you should take that up with Jesus. Pastor Joel Olsten said in an interview with Oprah “God wants you to be rich.” And if you’d seen the size of the house he lived in, you’d believe him.

            Then we have America’s favorite reality star Kim Kardashian. The Armenian beauty was first introduced to the world through a sex tape (by some guy related to that girl with the braids that used to play in Moesha). But unlike many before her who have released sex tapes, America kept watching her. What started with a reality show about her family grew into a multi-million dollar brand and house hold name. Now she’s the highest paid reality star in the world. Keeping up with the Kardashians is in its 7th season (which is longer than most sit-coms these days) and that’s not even counting all of the spin off shows. Even after her 72 day marriage, she’s still bringing in the ratings. America can’t keep their eyes off of this girl. For what? Because she’s pretty? YES! BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY. Kim Kardashian made 18 million last year for walking around looking absolutely flawless. Because she’s beautiful, people linger on her every move, follow every person she dates, and watch every show with her last name.  How vile, disgusting, and…. genius is that? It’s all because America is invested in a pretty face. If nobody cared about her, she wouldn’t be successful. So again, who should we be mad at? Her? Or ourselves for the fact that we’re so shallow we let this woman with no talent what so ever get to where she is today just because of how she looks.

            I could argue to the end of time why Kim Kardashian’s marriage was real, but it would be pointless. Just like Christians will fight me like David fought Goliath to prove that their Pastor is genuine in his work for the Lord and not just doing it for money. But the fact of the matter is; we’ll never know. So when angered by these people’s success why is it directed at them? Why not be angry at who’s making them successful? The Pastor can’t buy a Rolls Royce if YOU’RE not contributing enough money for him to pay for it. Kim Kardashian can’t be famous if you’re not watching her reality show, following her twitter and instagram, and commenting on every man she’s dating. By simply bitching about Kim Kardashian, Kim Kardashian is staying relevant.

            I’m not here to knock anyone grind or hustle. And you shouldn’t be either. If people can capitalize off other other’s ignorance, beliefs, or shallowness….I don’t see the problem. Being a Pastor in this day and age seems to be a very lucrative career. The fact that a man can profit off of the faith Christian’s invest in the bible is just brilliant. And you know who else is brilliant? Kris Jenner.    

Lets Talk About Kimberly Kardashian.

Exactly 72 Days ago my beloved Kimberly Noelle Kardashian had one of the most gigantic, over the top, expensive (20 million to be exact) weddings the world has ever seen. Because it happened so quick, and was such short notice, I couldn't attend. But in true Kimberly Kardashian style, it was broken up into a 2 day, 4 hour special which aired on E! Kim Kardashian's Fairy Tale Wedding.

As excited and filled with joy for my friend I was... I didn't watch it.

But I heard it was everything, and more. Duh. As much as I love my Armenian Barbie, I have ADD. I can't sit through 4 hours of ANYTHING, let alone wedding planning, Kris Jenner's face lift, and Kris Humphrie's sarcastic none-funny jokes. The little of it I did watch, was completely exhausting. I caught the wedding, and the 3 dress changes. Those were the important parts.

Of course everyone on twitter, the land where everyone's opinion is fact, was outraged when Kim got engaged.

"She's just wants to be loved!"

"She just wants to be married!"

"She's a hoe!"

"She's fake!"

I personally, never understood what was so far fetched about a 30 year old woman, at the peak of her VERY successful career, wanting to get married, and starting a family. But I guess most 30 year old successful single women wouldn't want that. Hmph.

Ironically, all the people who we're doing all the judging and what not, where tuned in for the 2 day, 4 hour special. Some funny characters yall are.

Well exactly 72 days after one of the most gigantic, over the top, expensive weddings the world has ever seen, took place....Kimberly filed for divorce. *weeps*

I think the only person who had a worst October 31st then Kim K was probably....myself.

Because everyone knows that Kim and I go as far back as the birth of Jesus....my inbox pretty much EXPLODED when the news erupted:

"I told you so"

"Well Jonathan, what do you think it was going to happen?" And that was just on twitter and FB.

Even my mother called me...

"Jay, I know this is going to be hard. But you know things just happen"

When I walked through the doors at work...everyone stopped and looked at me like they had been talking about me. And then I heard one of them whisper "Who's going to ask him?"

-sigh-

It was a long day. The trending topics. The embarrassment. All the ugly people feeling like they've won because Kim was getting a divorce. I wanted to cry like the Tyra Banks show was coming back on air. It was a catastrophe. I showed my support the best I could.





So what do I think? Well here it is. Do I think the wedding was a sham? No I don't. I think that in Kim Kardashian's mind she really thought that this was going to work. Now, I don't think she was in love with Kris. I do think she was in love with the idea of love, and getting married. Which is completely normal. You and I both have seen people try to make relationships work that CLEARLY...aren't meant to be. I think we could tell by the show that Kris Humphries was a tad bit difficult. He wasn't a "go with the flow" kind of guy like Reggie Bush was. He had an opinion about everything, even when it wasn't needed. He couldn't dress. He IS unemployed. And by Hollywood standards.... he's poor. Reports are saying they broke up because he wanted to move to Minnesota and she wanted to stay in NY/ LA for work. And I believe it. Who the fuck wants to live in Minnesota? I think Kim knew it wouldn't work a long time ago. But like MANY of us have done, she tried to make it work. She's just doing it in the public eye. I believed her when she said she didn't want to disappoint people.

People also have to look at her family and back round. Kris Jenner and Bruce married after 5 months of dating. They've been married for 20 years. Khloe and Lamar were dating for a WEEK before they were engaged, and married a month later. They're still going strong. So I know alot of people thought it was fake, because it was so soon. But in they're world, I seems to be fairly common. Scott and Kourtney have been together the longest, and from what I've read and heard they're relationship is actually the fake one. They said they've been broken up even before Mason was born. You know they know everything.

Now truth be told, it's reality TV. I do go back and forth with whether Kim really did this just for ratings, or if she really thought it would work. We know that much of their life is fabricated for television. Because that IS reality TV. But if it were just for TV, I think that for the sake of TV and her viewers, she would have stayed married longer. That's what makes me think this was a little more personal. I'm sure they knew that they would get negative press for this divorce being so soon. But all press IS good press for the Kardashians. People are going to tune in for her first tell all interview. She will make her media rounds. And we know if she doesn't do anything, she WILL find a way to make money off of this.

So maybe it was real. Maybe it was fake. We'll never know until one of those Kardashian's crack one day and go crazy and spill all their secrets. And when one of them does..i'll be front and center.

What irritates me most, is that people sit around and judge like they wouldn't DIE to live Kim Kardashian's life. Like they wouldn't do this if given the opportunity. The fact of the matter is this, Kim Kardashian gets paid millions on top of millions of dollars because she is beautiful. For no other reason. She capitalizes off of the worlds shallowness, and your mad at her for it? If given the chance to make a living off of taking pictures and endorsing products that you probably never use, YOU WOULD TAKE IT, and I'm not going to believe anything different. She's not famous only because of a simple sex tape. The sex tape was TERRIBLE! She's famous because she was a gorgeous girl ON a sex tape. So many celebrities have released sex tapes and it's not NOTHING for their career. Yet Kim was able to sell hers for 1 MILLION dollars and build and empire..and your mad? If anyone can do what Kim Kardashian does, then go try it and see. I'll wait.

Until then...the fact still remains, even with this divorce hooplah...Kim is still winning. She made $17.9 million off of a $20 million wedding she didn't pay a dime for. She made more then most pop stars and athletes make, on JUST her wedding. That's not even what she made from all of her endorsements, appearances, and tv shows she does. So while yall are laughing and tweeting away criticizing her and what not, she's laughing all the way to the bank. And she's still prettier then you. And you'll still be mad, when she gets married again next year, and gets another lump sum of millions.

Light.

I had a very, very shitty day today.

I try my hardest to stay positive. I try my hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the days are just getting harder and harder. I go to school, and take stupid classes that teach me things i know won't benefit my life. Then I go to work and talk to people who I think are complete idiots. Then I go back to school to take the one class i actually love (which is an English of course), and then go to the gym to get my 6 miles in. Day in, and day out, its the same routine. I tell myself I shouldn't complain about my job because some people don't even have jobs. I should be grateful that I can work part-time, and still pay all my bills and have a little money to buy clothes (the only other things aside from that English class, that I love). I feel like I'm being a spoiled brat. Maybe I am. Feel free to judge me. But it doesn't change the fact that, that the part of the time that I'm at that job, i hate it. I know we all have to do things that we don't want to do to get where we need to be. So that is what I'm doing. That is what i tell myself everyday. But sometimes it gets rough and i just wanna be like fuck this day. I'm sure everyone has those days.

Often I read other blogs and other people's stories for inspiration. I read other people's struggle to help motivate me to keep going. I'm not the only one in this fight. It doesn't make it any less hard, but it does make it easier to cope with in a sense. It helps me see the light. I watch Oprah's Master Class about her rise to the top of her empire. Such horrible circumstances she went through, all to be where she is today. I read Tyler Perry's story about how he slept in his car for weeks, homeless. How he spent the last of his savings to invest in his company, and now he's the highest paid man in Entertainment. Necole Bitchie, who was also homeless, lost her mother, had fallen down more times then she can count, to now be running one of the most successful blogs on the internet, and still conquering new territories. I know they had many days, hell, even months, where they just wanted to give up.

So I keep going. If they can, I know I can.

All Out Of Fake Smiles.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. I never believed it. I doubt I ever will.

I've worked in Customer Service for the since I was 16 years old. I started off at Express in the mall. It was fun. Back when I actually enjoyed talking to and greeting strangers. Worked there for 4 years. Next I went on to a high end sunglass boutique. Same job, just a bit more challenging. Convincing someone to buy $350 glasses wasn't always easy. Then I crossed over to a more serious job. Working at a cell phone company. A real full time job. With benefits and vacation time. My job was to smile at strangers, and help them, no matter how nasty and rude they are. No matter if they broke their own cell phone and pitched it at my face. No matter if they didn't pay their own bill but couldn't understand why they weren't getting service. I had to smile and be polite. Just like my adult life. I've learned a lot in working in customer service. A lot about people. A lot about myself. A lot about being an adult. But what I've mastered, is the fake customer service smile.

I said my New Years resolution would be to stop worrying about why people choose to do the things they do. I've always had a thing for understanding people's actions towards other people. I've always been like that. I sit back, and I observe. The problem was, that when I would watch people do things to only heighten the problem, not resolve it, I would get frustrated. So it was only healthy for my sanity that I stopped. It was a challenge. But I've been doing it. And my life has been a lot less stressful. I'm less disappointed in people. Yet, it hasn't made me a nicer person. That was the ultimate goal here. If i stopped trying to understand why people do the things they do, I would stop being disappointed in them. Therefor it would kind of restore my faith in people. So many people have disappointed me in my life, I had run out of smiles. This was an attempt to start smiling again.

Well I had started smiling again. After a period in my life I like to refer to as my quarter life crisis (you can read about it HERE) I tried to approach life differently. I set my New Years Resolution and said i would stick with it. I wanted to live a healthier, happier life. That meant surrounding myself with people who didn't make me want to slit my wrists, or people who had poor intentions for me. I started working out more, because to be mentally healthy and happy, you needed to be physically healthy and happy with your body. And... I had just gotten to fat in my depression. For the most part. It worked. I never set expectations for people anymore. I forced a smile on my face no matter how bad the day was. I smiled.

This year, my life has kind of been "Ok" so far. But I've found that not worrying about why people do the things that they do, doesn't excuse the fact that I still see that most people are sel-fish. Now the only difference is, I choose not to care. It kind of spares my feelings in a sense, but seeing how i don't live in this world alone, it still effects my friends and family. I wish we could all not care. But that would just be to easy.

I've watched my best friend in the whole world go through 2 tumultuous relationships. Relationships that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Back to back. When we met 4 years ago, she was probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. She's changed so much. She told me the other day that she's not making any new friends. Granted, I had decided that for myself a long time ago, she was different. She kind of had a light that made people gravitate towards her. She always smiled at people. She always spoke to people. But for some reason every person she placed in her life that she allowed herself to love tried to break her spirit. Tried to dim her light. Even her friendships. I watched her loose a friend behind such trivial things. Things that we're happening to me also, but because I had decided I didn't care anymore, I didn't complain. But she was hurt. She cried alot. I always listened. And my response was always the same

"People will be people. And most people, are shit."

I always gave people the benefit of the doubt. She never does anymore. She's sees everything in black and white now. No grey areas. While I'm telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people, she's only sees the bad now. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think I'm taking her light. I can tell, she's tired of smiling to.

Someone else close to me lost a friend that they've had for a while. Behind hear say. Hear say! Like we're in fucking high school. I try my best to talk them through it. Because I care for them it's hard not to feel their pain. I've watched them give their all to people, to receive nothing in return. They're hurting to. While counseling them through it they made me realize something. They told me:

"Your not nicer now because you see the light in people, your nicer because you've given up on people. You smile at people not because you want to, but because you think your expected to."

It made perfect sense. All this time I've been telling myself I'm trying to see the good in people by over looking the fucked up things they do, when actually, I've completely given up on people all together. My smiles are as fake in my adult life, as they are at work.

Yesterday I helped an old couple buy new cell phones. They hadn't gotten new phones in 5 years. I did everything they asked me to do. Gave them new sim cards, which deactivated their old sim cards, making them completely useless. Got all their contacts from their old phones to their new ones, gave them a whole 1 hour tutorial on how to use their phones. Out of the kindness of my fake heart I put my work cell phone number their phone and assured them to call me if they had any problems. I was proud of myself for being so patient with them. My nerves usually get bad after being with a customer for 15 minutes, but I smiled at them the whole hour and 30 minutes i was with them. Later that day, they called my cell phone 4 times. Left 4 messages. All because they wanted their 2 deactivated sim cards. After I explained to them the deactivated sim cards were completely useless they said understood. They called me again at 6am the next morning. For the same thing. I let them come back and get their sim cards that day. I didn't smile not one time.

I've run out of fake smiles. I'm tired. My jaws hurt. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy. I've run out of it in my social life, as well as at work. I tell myself I'm being nice. I tell myself to smile. But my customer feed back scores at work have consistently sat at 60 out of 100 for the last 2 months. I'm the lowest in the store. My fake smiles aren't working anymore. I don't even have the energy to care.

With the semi-drama surrounding my friend's social life, I don't have the energy to fake smile anymore either. I try to stay neutral, but your always guilty by association. So I would give my best fake smile, to show "Hey I'm neutral." only to have a half ass smile returned. I'm all out of them. Now all they'll get is a frown and a wave. And that's on a good day.

They say it takes more muscles to frown then it does to smile. But I think it takes more energy to smile when you don't have a reason to.

I'm Gonna Be An Uncle!

Ya know, I didn't always like Beyonce.

Back when Destiny's Child 1st came out I was actually a fan of the little short one with the red hair. I can't remember her name. I'm sure you can't either. I liked the group. I thought they were all cool in they're own way. I've always had a thing for girl groups. TLC's Fan Mail was the 1st album I've ever purchased with my own money. From 3LW, Total, 702, and even the Spice Girls. I liked them all. Except Cherish. Gross.

Anyway, when the 2 girls got booted out of the group i immediately blamed Beyonce. Her father was the manager. She was clearly the "leader" of the group. And in interviews, she was very um...not friendly. She interrupted the other girls when they spoke, rolled her eyes way to often, and was always smacking on some gum like it was her last meal. We know you was eating girl. Look at that Bootylicious video. You was WELL FED.

Then the Crazy In Love video came out. I was like..."Hmm...i can dig this." I started to feel her. I loved her and Jay-Z's version of Bonnie and Clyde. She looked amazing in the video. Then that Pepsi commercial with her little shorts. Ok Bey...i see you. When "Dangerously In Love" dropped I became a FAN. She had so many songs that spoke to me. I still listen to "Me Myself and I" every other day. I went and saw her, Missy, and Alicia Keys on they're Women's Tour and everything. I liked her.

I hated her 2nd album. I know, I'm probably the only person in the world who didn't like Bday. I didn't care for many of the videos either. It just didn't move me much. The pop Beyonce didn't really do anything for me. I mean NOTHING.

Then one Essence night I happened to go, and Beyonce happened to be there. The Beyonce Experience. That night changed everything.

Now let me say this. I've never been a Stan for anyone. Ever. I've always liked certain artist alot, but I've never felt like "Oh Myy God when i see them I'm going to cry." I was a huge Aaliyah fan, and i still remember the day she died like it was yesterday, but even then i didn't shed tears.

When Beyonce stepped onto that stage glistening, hair bigger then Gabby Sidibe's arms, thighs like a thorough breed Clydesdale, with abs of a track star, belting out Crazy In Love singing and dancing at the same time...such a rush came over my body i thought i was going to literally..faint. I'd never in my life....sigh.... you get my point.

That was the night I went from FAN..to full blown gun slinging, will CUSS you out and fight you like I haven't know you for years STAN.

Needless to say, since I follow Beyonce's every move, I announced last week on Twitter that she was pregnant, and i was just waiting for the announcement to be mad. She on the night of the MTV awards when she threw that mic down, opened up her Dolce and Gabana blazer, and proudly revealed her bun in the oven (and yes I cried a little) , everyone wanted to know HOW I knew. Well here is how...

1. On July 17th, Beyonce got sick and couldn't finish her ITV show. She got sick. Everybody knows Beyonce is barely human, and never gets sick.

2. She's been clearly been distracted this go around. Ever since "4" dropped Beyonce has been kind of "distracted". I'm sure part is due to her the Manager issues, but I knew it was deeper.

3. The few times she has sang live she's been looking a tad bit exhausted. When she was on the Jimmy Fallon show a few weeks ago, exhausting (Beyonce doesn't get tired) and..a slight buldge in her tight white dress.


4. The rush of the tapping of 4 videos. While everyone thought she was doing this for a video Anthology, I didn't think so. You can't dance to many of the songs on this album so why do a video Anthology? She was doing it because she's going to be out of commision for a while and needs to still some kind of way, promote her album and singles that she will drop over the next 9 months.

5. At the Intimate 4 Intimate Nights at Roseland, she barely danced. She only danced to Single Ladies (which at this point she could do in her sleep), End of Time & Run The World. The fact that no new choreography was done for Countdown was clearly a red flag. And...she was guarding her belly the entire time.

6. The thing that confirmed ANY suspicion I had was when she announced that she was indeed participating in the Tribute to Michael Jackson which will happen shortly. Except she would be there via satellite. Say what? Because you will be where Ms Girl? Last time I checked your calendar (which is daily) you didn't have anything lined up to prevent you from physically being there. Oh yea, except for a baby that you haven't announced yet. I see right through you Honey Bee. Big weave n all.

So...I'm gonna be an Uncle! Congrats Beyonce!